It's been a while, folks! I'm slowly starting to realize that I'll most likely treat this blog more like my diary than anything else... which would explain how infrequently I post. After all, it's been a whole year since my last post!
Christmas is creeping up on us in just three days! While I'm very excited for the idea of Christmas, I'm just not feeling very genuinely festive this year. Don't get me wrong; I'm excited for people to open the presents I got them, I'm excited to see what my loved ones have gotten me, and I'm excited to finally comb through the gifts that my students have given me over the course of the week. In fact, I'm hoping to take many, many photos on Christmas Day in hopes of capturing the festivities, colors, and overall happiness.
However, it's been a rough couple months for me. I'll start with the most obvious source: school. I know graduate school is supposed to be tough. I know that sometimes all my hard work will result in grades that I might not agree with because they don't reflect the amount of time, effort, and energy that went into the assignment. However, after receiving my second B of my graduate school career (because of an unfortunate group assignment where I was assigned to work with peers who had no interest in hearing what I had to say or what ideas I had to offer), I'm questioning myself a bit. Okay, a lot. I've heard it over and over -- a B isn't the end of the world. In fact, it was technically a B+. I should be happy. I should be proud. I worked hard.
But the truth is that that's not how I feel at all. I'm not happy with that grade. I'm not proud of that B. The only statement that I'm totally on board with is the fact that I did indeed work hard this semester. I guess part of my feelings is that I come from a family where education and overall academia is held as the highest priority. I've been pressured my whole life to get A's in school, and was consistently punished when I didn't. I guess my parents' parenting style worked, because now I'm punishing myself for not achieving as high a score as I could have.
Aside from school, there are other things weighing me down this holiday season. Of course, nothing just magically starts to ail me around the holidays. During almost every other holiday season, I'm just as festive as the next guy. But like I said, this year proved to be different for me. Another major factor affecting my jaded view of this holiday season is the (seemingly one-sided) strain I'm feeling on my relationship with my boyfriend.
I know, I know. What's a relationship without fights or disagreements? I get it. We've had our share of arguments, and I'm sure there's bound to be more in our future, but this feeling goes beyond just "Ugh, I'm just so annoyed/angry with you right now." Lately, I've felt like my boyfriend has been getting increasingly short with me. I noticed it about two months ago. He isn't necessarily mean to me. In many ways, he's still the same sweet and loving significant other who would never wish me harm, and I know that he still is that guy. But that same guy is also the guy whose patience with me seems to be thinner than before, and whose opinions and decisions suddenly seem to be the be-all and end-all of many of our minor disagreements. For example, today, I was wondering if I should get his brothers a gift because I suspected that his brother's girlfriend had gotten him and the other brother a gift. Being that the four of us had recently discussed opening presents together on Christmas, I felt a little unsure about my decision to not get gifts for either of the two brothers. I didn't want to look like a "bad girlfriend" by coming relatively empty handed when this other girl had gotten gifts for parents and siblings alike. I expressed my uncertainty to my boyfriend when we were alone later on in the day, and I was a bit shocked to find that his response to me was to tell me to stop freaking out (even though I wasn't) and that we would just go get gifts for his brothers tomorrow if that's what I really wanted, and that would be the end of the conversation. I had no say in the matter. This isn't the person I know my boyfriend to be. When I first started noticing this behavior, I chalked it up to a bad day or being in a temporarily bad mood. But after a couple months, it's getting hard to just dismiss it as a bad day.
Where does that leave me socially? All my friends are sprawled out all over the country, so my only means of contact with them is through Facebook, which isn't quite the same thing as being able to physically seek a friend out for comfort. Then my boyfriend, the one person whose company I crave the most when I'm feeling down, starts to be the source of my unhappiness, and I'm down yet another friend.
Lonely and friendless, I'm not feeling as festive as I used to be during most other holiday seasons. Can you blame me?
Keep me in your thoughts, friends. It's going to be a rough one this year. X
